Memories of a Coward
by Poohdog
Summary: The man who taught me how to fight Dementors  a coward.  Words cut deep... and sometimes that's for the best.


**NOT MINE! Do I really have to say more? I don't own Harry Potter; it would be hard to find someone who doesn't know that J.K. Rowling does. Yes I do realize that lately I've been writing a bunch of one-shots if anything at all. Things are a little, um, busy lately... yeah. Anyway, I hope you like it?**

He was halfway across the field before he realized that his gums were stinging. His tongue searched for the source of the pain and found two gaps in his teeth. "Destination, determination, deliberation," he muttered angrily under his breath. In the back of his mind he could hear James and Sirius laughing at him again, back in sixth year. Remus Lupin who thought he could master every charm had failed his apparition test three times. Even Peter had passed before him. No matter how much the instructor had told him he needed to focus on his destination with deliberation, he had struggled to clear his head enough to focus continuously on his destination. He was very accustomed to splinching. His teeth did seem to be a pretty common thing to leave behind. They were only seconded by his ears.

Spread around him was a field, fairly near the Tonks' house. He had come here only because it had been the first place he thought of. He had picked it as his destination and come here with deliberation but he'd been lacking determination. "Remus," her voice came gently in a memory as he began to walk in the direction of her parents' house, having no where else to go.

"Hm?" he had said, paying more attention to the newspaper than to her tone. They were at her- no their apartment. He was sitting on the couch and she was leaning over the top of it. She slipped around the arm of the small worn couch, pulled the paper from his hands and settled sideways on his lap like she belonged there. A smile had crept into the corners of his mouth; she did belong there. His hands stretched around her waist.

"I was reading that," he scolded gently.

"I have something I need to tell you," she said with a smile as she turned her head to face his. Her nose brushed against his and he found himself back down in the dungeons the day James had drug him along on an expedition to find out what Lily smelled when Slughorn brewed the Amortentia potion to show off for his N.E.W.T. students. Maybe the actual smell wasn't the same but he was sure the emotion was.

"Hm?" he questioned as she pulled her nose away slightly.

"I think I might be pregnant," she replied before leaning her head against his shoulder and beginning to play with his hands around her waist.

"With a baby?" he asked, startled.

She snorted and he could feel her body shake with the small bit of laughter as she turned her head again to look him in the eyes. "Well I highly doubt it's an owl," she said sarcastically. "Of course a baby, our baby."

"Why?" he asked. He felt her laugh again and he managed to cut her off before she said anything. "Why do you think you're pregnant?"

"I'm late."

"Couldn't that mean something else?" he asked hastily.

"It could I suppose. That's why I'm getting a potion to confirm it," she said, settling against his shoulder again. Then she glanced at the clock on the wall and jumped up, grabbing his hand as she reached the floor, half to pull him up and half to steady herself. "We need to get going. We're supposed to meet at the Weasleys' five minutes ago. I suppose Hagrid's probably going to be later than us anyway." Then she had apparated and he had followed. He hoped no one noticed that he'd left his wisdom teeth behind.

Tonks had been distracted then by the group going to remove Harry from his aunt's house. She hadn't realized he was nervous, not yet. How could he tell her? How could he let her know how selfish he had been to let this happen? That a large part of him wanted this to have happened, a part he knew was very wrong. A baby. He had managed to put it aside long enough to keep himself safe and to help George. But when he saw her stumbling across the yard when all was said and done, the emotions had come rushing back. All the things he wanted to explain. He wanted to tell her he loved her but she had to be wrong. For the sake of herself and the hopefully non-existent baby, she had to be wrong. His mouth could not spill the words. And now he knew she had not been wrong.

His feet dragged along the ground as he drew nearer. He could see the outline of the house now. In his mind he saw Tonks hold the potion in her hand, shimmering and clear silver instead of the murky goop it had been before. She had giggled and hugged him; he had tried not to cry. He'd decided not to tell her and she seemed happy. During Harry's birthday party she had acted giddy although he was sure she, like everyone else, had noticed his sullenness. When Arthur's message had come, his stomach had tightened up. What if the Ministry found out? How far would they be willing to go against a potential werewolf? "We shouldn't be here. Harry, I'm sorry. I'll explain another time," he'd barked before they ran away. He hadn't wanted to explain things the way he had that afternoon.

"Now you're going to tell me what's wrong," Nymphadora had said as soon as they got to the apartment after the interruption by the Minister. Her arms crossed over her chest.

"If the Ministry-"

"I know that. I'm not asking why we left. I'm asking why you've been so cold," she bit angrily, "why you grabbed my wrist and not my hand, why you-"

"Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answer?" he asked bitterly and walked away, fully intent on contacting Kingsley to see if he knew what was going on. Something else to think about while things were falling apart.

"I don't care and the baby won't care! Nobody in the Order cares! Nobod-"

"It's not the Order; it's the rest of the world," he had said, turning on her. "Haven't you seen enough lately to know that? Haven't you had enough at work, from your parents even?"

"They don't care anymore," she said harshly. "My family doesn't."

"And work?" he asked, his eyes darting straight towards hers. For the first time in the conversation she looked away. "And you're an adult. For a baby- Nymphadora it's not right. I-"

"I keep hoping that one of these days you'll wake up and realize that nobody who really matters to you cares a bit," she said, her voice low in her throat. "For a while I felt like I was getting somewhere and I was, wasn't I? The first time you got scared and broke it off, the second time you gave in. You let yourself be happy. Well now you seem to be learning to ignore me so I hope you can find someone else to yell at you." She turned on her heal, tripped, glared at him as if he had caused her to stumble, and marched off to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

"I found someone else to yell at me," he muttered glumly under his breath as he came so near to the house that he could pick out the individual windows. His pace slowed even more. They had gone to Bill and Fleur's wedding the next day and Nymphadora had proven her skills as an actress, pretending again that everything was alright, acting completely happy. He wished for her gift, managing only brief smiles throughout the day. The only time he had managed to forget was when the Ministry decided to interfere.

The next few days had been utter havoc. They could not return to the apartment. It was well known that they were living there. For two days they had scurried around, trying to shake off Death Eaters before Nymphadora heard word that someone had gone after her family. Then they were off again. They arrived too late to fight but in time to help them recover. Andromeda had seemed the most out of sorts. She had muttered something about finally getting to show her sister her home in a grouchy tone before stalking off. Ted had followed after her.

"She never actually told him everything," Nymphadora had whispered in his ear. "She wanted to protect him from her family somehow. She didn't mean for me to find out but because of Sirius I did."

After that they had stayed in the Tonks' house partially because Nymphadora wanted to comfort her parents and partially because they had no where else to go. He had spent that morning pacing before deciding to go see if Harry was at Grimmauld Place like Arthur had said. If he could offer his help to Harry, perhaps Tonks would see sense; perhaps she would learn to let him leave.

He clenched his eyes as he came to the fence and crossed the wards. He paused now, leaning against the wood. "I'm pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why aren't sticking with your own kid, actually."

The worst part was that Harry was right. James had always been the one to nudge him forward, pretend like it didn't matter. He had been the one who dubbed it a "furry little problem." And James had gotten mad when he'd tried to point out that while it was furry and a problem it certainly wasn't little. When he dumped a girl because he was scared of her finding out or when he refused to try for a job he wanted or- He could picture James yelling at him, scolding him; he could picture James' shame toward his friend.

"You're not even going to try for it? You know you want that job Remus! You're better than half the people that are working there already!"

"But what about when they find out James. They will you know and then-"

"And by then enough of them will have seen how great you are," he said stubbornly.

"And by then I'll get fired and everyone will know!" he yelped back.

"So you're not even going to try because they might find out?"

"Because they will find out and then my life will be ruined! Everyone will know! The rest of the world isn't like you and Sirius and Peter!"

"I repeat, so you're not even going to try?" James said darkly, looking at him. "You're more of a coward than I thought you were," he growled, and turned his back on him. They had stayed in a fight for a month, avoiding each other's looks at Order meetings. He had hoped to have Lily or Sirius on his side, someone who could persuade James but both of the agreed. He saw it in their eyes when they passed him. "Coward." The position got filled by someone else, someone obviously less qualified. The fight continued. It stretched until Sirius got hurt in a battle. They'd made up in St. Mungo's. But there was still the word lingering on. Apparently it had been passed on to Harry.

"I'm still standing by what I said, Remus," James told him as they walked down the stairs to find Sirius's room again with Lily and Peter. "You could really show people that they're wrong. Or you could at least realize that you have people behind you who really do care. Stop letting it control you Remus. Otherwise you really are just a werewolf, aren't you?"

"For once I don't disagree on a word," Lily had added, her eyes fierce and bright, staring him down. Peter had nodded.

He blinked back the tears as he stared at the house. Harry had to have her eyes. Fierce, bright, full of emotion. Anger. Coward. "I hope you can find someone else to yell at you." "Stop letting it control you, Remus." "A coward!" He pressed his eyes tightly together. "But I don't care either! I don't care!" "Of course a baby, our baby." He opened his eyes and pulled away from the fence. His eyes focused on the steps that led down to the basement where he knew Nymphadora stayed, currently ruling the basement on her own. He ran toward it, hardly aware he was running and then he burst through the door. Tonks was sitting at her desk, poring over some type of paperwork but she sprang from her desk and held up her wand.

"My name is Remus John Lupin, werewolf also sometimes known as Moony and well aware that you're most ticklish just above the inside of your elbows," he said in a hurry. Tonks began to lower her wand but didn't have a chance to finish before he dashed to her side and pressed his lips to hers almost desperately before drawing his arms around her. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, brushing his nose into her hair and then leaning back and kissing her forehead, her nose, her lips again in a long warm kiss, feeling her lips press back as her arms stretched over his shoulders. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he whispered between catching her lips in his. She tripped over the desk chair and he caught her, stumbling into the chair himself. She settled into his lap, her head turned to his. "I'm sorry," he muttered again as his lips met hers and his arms tugged her even closer to him.

"Stop," she said, her breath flowing into his lungs. He stopped apologizing as one of his hands slipped from her waist and up her shirt to rest on her stomach. She pulled back and smiled at him. "Ours," she said lightly, her bright blue eyes focused on his.

"Ours," he replied gently. She leaned against his chest.

"I think I owe a thank you to Harry, don't I?" she asked.

"How did you know I went to see Harry?" he returned, burying his nose in her hair.

"Because Sirius told me you always went to James when you secretly wanted to have some sense kicked into you. And you want to protect Harry if you can," she said, looking up at him again and kissing his cheek. He moved one hand near her elbows and began to tickle, making her shriek with giggles before kissing him hard on the lips to make him stop.

"Dora!" someone yelled down the stairs. "You mother says dinner's ready. I personally think if she had let me-"

"Ted, what are you saying about me!"

"I was just-"

Nymphadora slid off his lap and straightened her shirt. "Coming?" she asked, pulling on his hand. He drew more solemn but nodded and he followed the bright-haired witch up the stairs.

"Mark my words, James, it'll be Moony next not me," Sirius had laughed. The four friends were sitting in the Leaky Cauldron about a month into Lily had found out she was pregnant with Harry.

"I hardy think that," Remus had argued.

"Better you than Sirius," Peter laughed.

"Here, here," Sirius agreed.

"But I'm-" he began.

"Yeah," James nodded. "But after you finally figure out it doesn't matter-"

"You'll be ecstatic," Sirius finished. "Here, here." He raised his glass again.

"Anything to drink, Padfoot?" James chortled while Remus shook his head at his friends. Now he watched as Nymphadora squeezed his hand on the way up the stairs, her other hand gliding along the rail with a ring glimmering in the stunted basement light. If only he had known his friends would be right.


End file.
